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I Was Her

September 10, 2014


Three of these smiles are doing their own thing…do you know the story behind the smile? Because I was “her”

As I read the different commentaries, stories, personal testimonies, arguments and opinions over the issue of domestic violence in light of the “new” Ray Rice video that was released; I ponder if this changes how we respond or will we eventually go about doing business as usual? Just like so many other issues that have affected our communities until another one comes along and takes the spotlight away. There are other issues within the issue that people refuse to address, such as the apparent soul tie, the judgement Janay was afraid to face by her sisters, the cycle of abuse that may have been prevalent in some way in both of their lives, and mental health.

Not only I broken and bound, I was numb to the abuse I experienced for over 4 years to the man I was about to marry (though I quickly left a violent relationship prior to that one in college); in any many regards it was the norm for me. Abusive relationships were my examples, and eventually became my reality. Hearing “if he don’t beat you, he doesn’t love you” and “that’s just something we don’t talk about” assisted in my illness. Growing worse due to my own self-hate (because I surely didn’t love myself) and never finding a safe space to share my “why” added even more fuel. The one thing that changed all of this was truly acknowledging and accepting God’s love for me. No longer would I allow myself to be emotionally raped, having experienced someone violating me before. No longer would I allow someone using me as their punching bag verbally and physically, because I understand that unseen wounds cut deep. I still have headaches every now and then as a reminder of what to not go back to, but now I’m F.LY. ( or and desire for other girls and women to discover the same.

I’m sick of hearing people saying she married him anyway and she must have done something for him to do it…she’s sick!!! And unfortunately, he is too. Let’s address the real issues within our families, our churches and our communities instead of waiting for a national stage to show us what we already know. We need to do a better job of not being so judgmental, because instead of this being an elevator fight, we could have been reading her obituary. If we are truly our brother’s and sister’s keeper…what are we doing to stop it?

My pain has a purpose and if there’s someone that is experiencing abuse on any level (male/female…black/white…young/old) from a spouse and/or within the confines of a relationship, please reach out to someone…even if it is just one. One place to visit is

Let’s assist in breaking the cycles, destroying yokes and providing safe spaces.

No Longer “Her”…F.L.Y. D.I.V.A.


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One Comment
  1. betternotbroken permalink

    So many of us were her.


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